World Story

IS it time to lose my virginity? And, if so, what happens next?

I’m 17 and I’m still at school. My boyfriend is 19. He’s six foot two and an IT whiz. I’ve fancied him ever since we got chatting in a pub six months ago. He had a girlfriend then but he’s dumped her since and we’ve been together for a month.

I know he had sex with his ex, in fact I’ve heard he’s a bit of a stud – and that makes me worried.

What if he has sex with me and I don’t measure up? If I don’t have sex I know he’ll get bored and leave.

Maybe I’m making a big deal of it – I know lots of my friends have had sex and they say it’s nothing to get worked up about.

Is the first time supposed to be special, or is that just in the movies? This guy is gorgeous and I don’t want to lose him.

DEIDRE SAYS: He may be special to you but he’s not making you feel the same. If he cared enough you wouldn’t be feeling under pressure like this.

Forget what your friends say and trust your own feelings. Yes, the first time is supposed to be special, and every other time too. Compromise now and you risk setting a pattern for the rest of your life.

You haven’t been with this guy long and you don’t feel secure in his love. The right relationship is well worth the wait – when you feel cherished and loved and sure of your feelings. So hold on for a bit and don’t let him rush you.

My free leaflet on Learning About Relationships will help you make the right decision for you.

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I’M desperate to find my real dad – but he doesn’t even know I exist.

I’m a male aged 17 and I always knew I was different.

My step-dad didn’t treat me in the same way as my two brothers and two sisters.

I never knew what it really was but I felt he didn’t love me like he loved the others.

He always had a bad temper.

The other kids would get into trouble as often as I did but he took things a step further with me.

He’d sometimes hold my head in a sink of water if I misbehaved.

I went away on a school trip when I was 13 and when I came back, my sisters couldn’t wait to tell me that my parents had argued one night and it had all come out that he wasn’t my real dad.

I was heartbroken even though he’d never treated me well.

As soon as I was 16 I left home and moved into a hostel.

Not a night has gone by when I haven’t thought about my real dad.

I really want to find him but I’ve had trouble getting started.

He doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I know his name and that he lives in Scotland.

I’ve sent some letters to the area where I think he lives, but they’ve been returned.

I’ve found some websites that are supposed to help you find lost relatives but they all cost loads of money – which I can’t afford.

Where do I go from here?

DEIDRE SAYS: What a sad story. You had a miserable childhood and of course you long to find your biological father whom you hope will love you to bits and make you feel wanted.

But if you find him, it may come as quite a shock to him to find he has a son he didn’t even know about – and he may not have good memories of how his relationship with your mother ended.

I don’t want you to feel hurt and rejected again.

I am going to send you my free email leaflet on how to set about tracing lost friends and relatives but I also want you to get some understanding help to heal your emotional wounds.

Your step-father abused you as a child and that always casts a long shadow.

Contact Get Connected who can put you in touch with the right sort of counsellor in your area (0808 808 4994, www.getconnected.org.uk).

Do you get on well enough with your mum to ask her for more details about your father?

She may be able to give you an insight into his personality so you have a feeling of how he may react.

Good luck. Do let me know how you get on.

MY best mate died a couple of weeks ago and I just can’t stop thinking about him.

I’m 17, he was 16 and we had known each other since we started school together.

He took his own life because his girlfriend finished with him. They had been together for two years and he was devastated.

I was with him the night before he died. He was very upset and I was trying to cheer him up. It was clear that he wasn’t thinking right but I never thought he’d do anything like that. He said nothing about it, he was just devastated.

That was the last time I saw him and I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the loss. He’s always been there for me. We supported each other and offered any help we could.

He was a really nice lad and a big part of my life. It’s the first death of someone close to me and I can’t stop thinking about him.

DEIDRE SAYS: The death of someone close is always extraordinarily painful, in a way you’re not prepared for until it’s happened to you. It’s natural that you are finding it hard to get out of your head.

It helps enormously to share your feelings. Do tell your parents how upset you still feel so they can comfort you. Don’t feel you have to keep a stiff upper lip.

Other mates may want to talk about it too. If you were all at school together, suggest to the school they organise some counselling help.

His former girlfriend must feel dreadful too, though I hope you and your mates aren’t blaming her. Whatever led your friend to take his own life, it will have stemmed from deeper, more long-standing issues than just his girlfriend dumping him.

Contact Cruse Bereavement Care Youth Involvement Project (0808 808 1677, www.rd4u.org.uk) which is specially for young people who’ve lost someone dear to them.

I know it doesn’t seem possible now but time really is a big healer and you will come to find that the good memories of him are the ones which stay with you.

MY boyfriend ruined my birthday by getting drunk, then I got an earful from his mum for not stopping him drinking sooner.

I’m 18, he’s 19 and we’ve been dating over a year. We don’t live together yet and I always feel in the way at his house. His mum and I don’t get on. She’s rude and abrupt and he says just to ignore her. How can you ignore your future mother-in-law?

At my party he got so drunk he lost all control over his actions and embarrassed himself and me. My friends and I put him in a car and took him home, where he threw up all over me.

He fell over going through a gate and banged his head on the concrete. I was so concerned I set my phone alarm every half hour through the night to check on him. In the morning all he had to show for it was a black eye, not even a hangover.

We went down to breakfast and I expected his mum to thank me but I just got all the blame. She reckons I know he can’t handle drink and it was down to me to watch out for him. How dare she? It was my party and he ruined it.

I sat him down that day and told him I thought we should split up because of his behaviour at the party and his mum’s attitude towards me. But we’re still talking and I love him to bits. I really don’t want to lose him. What can I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Of course you weren’t responsible for his drinking and you had every right to be angry that he ruined your party.

His mum holds the old-fashioned view that men can’t be expected to be responsible for themselves and it’s women’s role to keep them in check. It’s a thankless task.

You may not be able to change her but you can change the way you react to her. Don’t let her wind you up, and make it clear to your boyfriend that it’s time to take responsibility for his actions and back you up when his mum is rude to you.

My free leaflet about being assertive will help you respond to her in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling like a child who’s misbehaved.

THE boy who took my virginity now just wants to be friends – so why did he take me all the way?

I’m 17 and I met this lad on holiday in Tenerife last month. He’s 19. We got talking and decided we really liked each other.

After a few dates down the club we decided to move things on.

I was a virgin before meeting him and I didn’t know anything about sex really. I was also very shy. He promised me it would be ok and took me back to his apartment.

I was a bit scared at first but he kept telling me it’d be all right.

He knew how nervous I was but when he started touching me I forgot everything and felt better.

He then led me through it and it was OK. I saw him twice more on the holiday and we had sex again.

When it was time to leave for home he asked for my phone number.

I was so excited because I really did think we’d be together once we got back home.

He finally called me last week. He said he’d come to see me but just as friends since nothing could come of it because of the distance. I was really upset

I wonder why he took me the whole way if this is the case.

He knew my feelings that night and that I really liked him.

I’m really hurting now because I feel he took something away from me.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry you’ve been hurt like this.

Maybe he meant what he said at the time in the charged atmosphere of your holiday resort but back home he realises a relationship is impractical.

See this as experience gained – not to let yourself be talked into anything sexually unless you are sure it’s what you want and in the context of the right relationship for you – which usually means taking weeks rather than days before having sex.

And it’s usually best anyway to avoid having sex with someone you’ve just met on holiday.

Because so many get carried away, holiday hot spots are often hot spots of sexual infection too.

If you didn’t use protection have a check up at your local clinic (see www.condomessentialwear.co.uk for details).

My free leaflets on Holiday Romance and Learning About Relationships will help you make good choices for yourself in future.